What do you get if you put James Bond, Sean Connery, and Ann Landers, in a blender?

“Is the gentleman a dying breed?”

I was reading the London Times the other day (as a part of my “get out and see how the other half lives” tour), and had to laugh…

In the article I was reading, William Drew quotes, of all people, the brand director at Alfred Dunhill, Yann Debelle de Montby. This guy‘s claim to fame is that he‘s the Tony men‘s outfitter…

“Being a true gentleman,” he says, “means being gallant and generous. One can be gentle but remain firm, determined and retain a great sense of humor.”

But the question posed is whether or not “the gentleman” has a place in today’s dog-eat-dog business world?

And evidentally, Drew thinks the “James Bond in full possession of charm, good-looks and civility” persona has got the definite edge.

“Old-fashioned good manners — holding open doors, standing up when someone enters the room, asking questions of others rather than talking about yourself, ensuring that you compliment your host generously and so on — are an entry point for respectful behavior,” he notes.

This sounds exactly like those dry, dull old movies we see on late-night black-and white TV, doesn’t it? I mean, when is the last time you saw someone stand up when a lady entered the room?

Last time I did that, I got a ten-minute dressing down for “patronizing a woman.”

“Haven’t you heard of the Feminist Movement, bucko? Don’t try to neutralize my power by playing up to my femininity! You Bastard!”

The last time I held a door open for a woman, she glared at me like I was Charles Manson at a Girl Scout Camp-out!

And God help you if you start asking “questions of others, rather than talking about yourself…” Nothing arouses suspicion more than a “Nosy Parker” sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong. A guy who asks about you, is usually trying to hide his own agenda…

But hey, the “compliment generously” will make some points, huh? Nothing says “kiss-ass, brown-noser, and office pervert” quite like a healthy heaping of;

“Gawd, Miss Becky, you sure look purty in that red dress, today!”

I can hear the wheels of litigation burning out right now, preparing that “sexual harassment” lawsuit!

And now, he goes on to say “But it’s more about your overall manner towards others: how one conducts oneself not only socially, but also in business, in relationships and in public.”

Drew wants us to live like that, twenty-four-seven!

Oy Vay Maria! Everybody knows the first time you try to change lanes on the freeway, try to get a waitress’s attention so that she’ll stop flirting with the guy in the next booth and finally take your order, or try to find a place to park within an “hiking expeditions” distance to the mall, that crap is out the window!

But being a modern-day gentlemen in business is about more than just being nice for nice’s sake, especially when the chips are down (after all, who knows more about the chips being down, than the English, eh? Have you watched their economic landslide, lately?). This says luxury goods retailer, Trevor Pickett:

“When your back’s against the wall in any industry you fall back on the relationships that you have built with people. You can’t do that if you’ve just screwed them on price, for example. That’s just not the way we do things.”

Well, I don’t know about what they do in England, but here in the Colonies, we’ll stab you in the eye, just to get your attention! After all, big business is war (and war is big business!), and we Americans know how to fight! I guess that the limeys are still trying to get us to forget all about the Revolutionary War, where we handed them their asses, and told them to get outta Dodge, before we tarred and feathered every last one of them!

I’m thinking this is just another plot to “disengender” us, so that a few bastards can get a contract or two, and save the Queen’s Economy, before the Chinese buy Trafalgar Square.

And in the end, Drew offered up 10 tips for the aspiring modern-day gentlemen and gentlewoman):

“Some things don’t change: say please and thank you and ask questions about other people rather than talk about yourself.” American translation;

“Hey, this meeting is about me, Ponce. Just sit there and pay attention to my wants and needs, huh? If I don’t get this account, I’ll have to sleep with the dog, give up my mistress, and miss a mortgage payment!”

 

Be punctual. Tardiness does not make you look important, it turns you into an arrogant incompetent who thinks that his time is more important than other people’s. American translation;

“I don’t care what time it is! Don’t you know who I am? Huh?”

The modern gentleman cares about the planet. Be environmentally aware (but not obnoxious about it). American translation;

“It’s Styrofoam, for heavens sake! I don’t care if it’s gonna be in a landfill for a million years! I ain’t gonna be around here to see it!”

Open doors for people and stand up when they enter a room, but do this for men as well as women. The modern gentleman doesn’t treat women like porcelain. American translation;

“Sure, let me tell you a story about the last woman I put on a pedestal, by holding open a door…”

Be modest. Bragging is distinctly ungentlemanly.

HUH? A Brit telling us not to b-b-b-boast, after centuries of suffering the hoidy-toidy rants of pretentious and pompous English braggarts? The one thing history 101 taught me is that bragging is a right of passage!

“I own you, and all your stuff! I got mine, and you didn’t! Ha-ha!”

Be a good father. Nothing is less charming than a man who leaves childcare to women.

And, you miss out on all those wonderful smelly diapers, late-night feedings, and baby-barf all over your best clothes!!

Be honest about wherever you have come from in life. Pretension is spineless.

Uh-huh! Nothing says success more than endless rants about how you “rose up out of the ghetto, to become a success…”

Flirt — with everyone. Good flirting is a form of politeness. Pay compliments and put your companion at ease.

“Boy, Miss Becky, that sweater is really becoming! It really shows off your… um… er… complexion!”

Do not phone/text/check your BlackBerry incessantly.

What? How do you think I got this BlackBerry, anyway? These things don’t grow on trees! Besides, I want to rub in your face how very popular I am!

And last, but certainly not least: Dress tidily. Whatever style you are going for, scruffiness just isn’t in.

Have you lost your minds? The only person that’s gonna impress is that decaying old fossil I work for! Have you turned on your cable TV, lately? Scruffy is in. Chics dig “scruffy!” “Scruffy” accompanied by three days growth of beard is the buzzword of sexual prowess in the New Millenium!

What have we learned campers? I, for one, shall be doing my absolute best to flirt with everyone as much as possible. Especially English girls, because it looks like I’m (a) not gonna have much competition, and (b) I’m gonna have a wide open playing field! Plus, I’m not sure that all the “sexual harassment” lawsuits will be able to follow me back to the US, after I’ve had my fill of “Crumpets, Strumpets, and Jam…” After all, what happens in England, stays in England, right? (wink-wink!)

So remember, “Please and Thank You” is nice, but nothing gets a person’s attention like a swift smack on the back of the head! (And if you’re dressed all shabby and scruffy when you do it, you get extra points!)

Hubba hubba, and good hunting!

~ by hired4genius on June 16, 2008.