It’s the attack of the “Big-Assed Moon!” Run for your lives!

(Whilst out strolling the Internet looking for blog fodder, I came across this really interesting article in my email, about one of our relatives. Now, the article was informative, but frankly, it was dry as dirt, so I decided to liven it up a bit, so that it would catch the interest of the masses. After all, we’re talking about “masses” here. And I’m not talking about the Pope, neither! So, if you don’t like what you read, blame the other guy, whatever his name was. I think his name is “Rob Roy Brit.” Now, that sounds like a made up name to me, but you can never tell. Anyway, I’ve butchered his piece for all to see, but the real science belongs to him. I’m just the designated “fall guy.”)

Tonight is the night of “The Big-Assed Moon!”

Or is it? I’ve been on Jenny Craig, so my butt isn’t nearly as big as it used to be.

(Actually, truth be told, all I can say is that Jenny Craig has just been yelling at me to get off HER ass… Trust me, I have no aspirations to be Valerie Damned “Bert-n-what’s her name.” So, pass me that steak and cheese hoagie, and keep readin…)

Where was I? Oh yeah… As the full moon rises this Wednesday evening, June 18, many people will be tricked into thinking it’s unusually large.

Funny, people think the same thing about me. It must be that rumor I started on the Internet, but it IS grounded in “truth.” It’s all in what you actually compare yourself to!

But back to the cosmos thing… The “big-assed moon illusion” is just another David Copperfield trick of the eye. I thought for a while that Cris Angel (the MINDFREAK bastard) was responsible, but he’s pretty media savvy, so if he’d done it, it would have included his Aerosmithesque “A” logo. 

What’s really going on is that our minds make the moon seem bigger when it’s near the Earth’s horizon. And, obviously, this effect would be most visible (in it’s treachery!) at “full moon.” Many people (mostly yokels out looking for UFO’s) swear it’s the real deal, which suggests that they probably shouldn’t embibe quite so heavily before heading out to the desert in search of E.T.  Astronomers suggest that perhaps Earth’s atmosphere magnifies the moon.

Atmosphere? Is there any atmosphere left? I thought Al Gore ate it all, and blamed it on “global warming!” You’d think they’d ask someone qualified, like an Optician, for a theory, instead of beady-eyed nerds who sleep under a telescope, but nooooooo! But it’s what we have to work with, so just bear with me.

Supposedly, this phenomonon is all in our minds. The moon is not really bigger at the horizon than when overhead. The moon never changes sizes. It stays the same. Duh! It’s not like it’s a balloon, or something. Any third grader knows that!

Anyway, as “solstice moon” approaches  (that “Rob Roy” character says that it’s two days before summer in the Northern Hemisphere) this trick of the eye will be easy to spot, if you stop looking in your refrigerator, and go outside for a minute!  Well, I don’t remember him talking about refrigerators, but whatever… NASA says we should blame it on lunar mechanics: The sun and full moon are little like kids on a see-saw; when one is high, the other is low (until one jumps off, and breaks the other one’s um… er… never mind!). This week we’re gonna get a low, horizon-hugging moon and a strong, long-lasting version of the illusion.

Sounds like an ad for deoderant, but people with alphabet soup after their name claim it’s true. Don’t blame me!

Now, people who are paid to know say that space station astronauts report the same effect. I think it’s called “space sickness,” and after they start showing signs of it, they get to drink alcohol until they start feeling “better.” I saw a special on it on cable last week, on the “You R An Idiot” channel, right after that Dr. Phil special on inbreeding…

But, nothing cures a “space delusion” like a good Martian Martini!

BTW -  A “lunar mechanic” is NOT some poor, overtrained, underpaid, bastard suffering the isolation of space, while trying to dial in a defective telescope built by the lowest Earth bidder. Nor is it a plunger  wielding space monkey trying desperately to repair a “cosmic crapper.”

Here’s how it works: (the optical illusion, not the crapper…) The untrained mind believes things on the horizon are farther away than things overhead, because you are used to seeing clouds just a few miles above, even if the clouds on the horizon are hundreds of miles away. So if we think something (like good old Luna) is farther away, and it’s not, then it seems larger.

Make sense? I know, I’m confused too…

And, if you feel like showing off, you can go outside (you know, that place where there is no TV, and nary a refrigerator in sight) and do yourself a little Mr. Science experiment. Go out at moonrise with a small object (resist the urge to do something dramatic and anatomically impossible). Use something handy, like a tic tac. Now, hold it at arm’s length (it doesn’t matter if you’re a “little person,” it still works just the same) as the moon rises and compare the sizes of the moon and the tic tac. Do not eat the tic tac to hide your beer breath from your wife, or you’ll have to start over! Now, go back in the house, drink a beer or two, and then repeat the experiment when the moon is high in the sky.

Drink slowly, because this should take an hour or two. You can use a rolled up piece of paper, too, but if the neighbors see you and start laughing, don’t come crying to me. I’m not the one standing in my skivvies, staring up at the sky, while smelling like a brewery.

Just like real estate prices, moonrise times vary by location.  But, on Wednesday, I guarantee it will come up. It’s on you to figure out what time that’s gonna happen, because I ain’t exactly the Farmer’s Almanac, ya know? Show some initiative! Jeez, do I have to do everything?

And while you’re outside, scaring the neighbors and trying to hide in the bushes from the cops, consider this; There’s no such thing as a full moon!

I know! It surprised me too! But it’s true. It’s another damned myth. And, I think maybe Cris Angel WAS responsible for this one!

Stay tuned!

 And if you see the illusion, there’s one other thing you’ve proven! You are in possession of an untrained mind. Your momma would be so proud!

~ by hired4genius on June 18, 2008.