Okay, so you’re trying to break into the “blogging” crowd…

(No! I’m not a “peeping tom!” I’m just in the same boat as you, right?)

It’s like a crazy, topsy-turvy, kaleidoscope, huh? Thousands of faces & millions of fragments,  all wrapped up in a gigantic cloud of electrons called “CYBERSPACE…”

I guess that the first question to answer is ; “Why am I writing this?”

(It seems to be the first question that I’m forced to answer. WHY does everybody keep asking me that? Sheesh! I’m starting to get a complex!)

Are you (just like “moi“) seeking your “15 minutes of fame?”

(You Warholesque Attention whore, you!)

Do you have an agenda?

(You Bastard! But I don’t have an “agenda.” I have “issues.” There’s a difference. My HMO coverage includes “issues.”)

Are you trying to teach or inform?

(Ah Jeez… not another one… snore…)

Or, are you just prattling on, wasting precious time and bandwidth, in a pathetic attempt at self-importance?

(That would be me. In spades, that would be me.)

Huh? Well, which one are you?

(I’m allowed to be all of them, because I have a “hole card.” I’m a diagnosed member of the “I have M.P.D.” club.)

Now, I know that these questions make me seem kind of nosy. Well, I AM nosy. If I can figure out what you’re trying to do, I can get there first, and steal your thunder!

(I used to think that there was enough “thunder” to go around, but recent events on the web have demonstrated that “enough thunder” is a myth, just like “Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.”)

The way I see it, the dementia that you suffer influences your writing. If you forget to take your meds, Bucko, the “Who, what, where, why, when, how, and do I win a prize?” gets all screwed up. But, if your mom, wife, significant other, or (gasp!) “inner voices” remind you to take your meds, then you have a better chance of understanding the reasons for your rants. This is a good thing, because it helps you work more efficiently, and your goals get closer.

(Plus, it gives you more free time, to stalk that pretty girl down the hall… you know the one…)

Now, Mom always told me that “the stupidest herd member gets eaten first.” So, applying this “pearl of survival wisdom” to blogging, we learn that the first thing you must do, to become fabulously famous, and perhaps even a little bit wealthy, while writing (…all those things down that you can never get back out of public view) is to figure out who you want to piss off… um… er… entertain, enrich, and then, when they ain’t looking, pick the pockets of.

That means staking out some territory, just like the settlers did, when they stole all that land from the Indians. And now, you need a “plan.”

(I suggest, when trying to steal land from Indians, always look up, and NEVER ride into a valley. Because if you do… you’re gonna get your butt handed to you. Dumb ass!)

Wait, we were talking about blogs. Sheesh…

Okay, I’ve got some target shooting to do. First things first. Where do I shoot? It’s a big, open, range out there. Terrain could become an issue.

(Not one of “those” kinda issues, just something to consider. They have medicine for the “other” kind of issues, nowadays.)

And once you’ve identified the land you seek to conquer, you have to figure out “how” to do it.  “Do I use the big stick, or the putter?”  “Inside voice, or outside voice?”

A helpful place to start your definitions might be “WHY, oh why, did I do this?”

(Because, I can guarantee you that the cops are gonna ask you that, first!)

What exactly do you expect is going to come of all this effort, on your part? Hmmm?

Me, I have a reputation to uphold. “Orifice or Oracle,“ depending on the day (and who you ask), I have things that must be said. Yes I do! Because, I assure you that I’m known clear across cyberspace when it comes to speaking my mind!

(Let’s face it , folks, some of you are just plain crazy. And somebody has to become the “shepherd of the lost…“ So, I nominate… ME! Do I hear a second? Hmmm? Wait for it… wait for it… There it is!)

In my blogging expeditions, I contribute by providing what is often seen as a contrary viewpoint. I do this mostly to start arguments,… um… er… dialogs, that will enrich the topic being discussed.

Unless of course, the topic is ME. Then, like any smart person, I plead the fifth.

Hey, If I make you think, I’ve accomplished my mission.

You see, I think it’s important to share experiences so that others can learn from them, or at least get a good laugh at someone else’s  expense…

And, it gives you the opportunity to expand on what you feel are important topics that may have just slipped past the sheep… um… er… public. I call this the “Smarty-Pants Phenomenon.”

(Others refer to it as “You #@%&!!! Know-it-all!” But, I don’t care, because  I have thick skin. I’m part lizard.)

If you’ve done any or all of these things, you’ve started to gain attention. Now, it might be “adoring,” or “interested,” or “obsessed,” but in my case, it’s usually the attention of Federal Prosecutors, or the local authorities. But I ain‘t skeered, no-siree!

(I have that hole card, remember? Have you been paying attention?)

So, once you start your cult… um… er… gaining readers, how do you keep them coming back?

(Gawd’s breath, all these questions are giving me an Excedrin sized migraine!)

I’ve been pondering these very thoughts lately, and it’s led me down what seems to be a pretty slippery slope. It appears that in order to entice readers, you have to identify with them, and then, heaven forbid, lead them.  Imagine that! And that means that you have to (gasp!) learn about what makes them tick…

You begin this by employing, what is know in the marketing world, as “Branding.”

(Now, in the beginning, I’d just throw a rope around them, and then drag them over to my red-hot tailpipe, and give ‘em a taste of “unleaded.” But, after several court battles, I’ve decided that you have to be a little more devious.)

So, you start speaking with authority (not the “authorities, nobody likes a “snitch”) about something that you pretend to know all about. Choose something easy to start out with, because there’s always somebody out there, trying to make a name for themselves, by making you look stupid.

(That never happens to me, though, because I can make myself look stupid, all by my onesies.)

Pick a title that you like, and get it tattooed on your forehead, out there on the electrons. You know, something like “that dysfunctional bastard.” I have one title I’m fond of, that empowers me to marry your toaster to your toolbox, if you pay me enough money. But, whatever…

(I added my “title” to my signature line, so that it goes wherever I do. And I go a lot. Because when you drink a lot of beer, you have to go a lot…)

Remember to bring all those diplomas you downloaded, because they help you build “credibility.” Being an “expert” just means the field you’re in has a really shallow gene-pool,… um… er…   okay, it means that you’re a “credible resource.” And using your blog to promote your credibility, gives you credibility.

(Now, that sounds like a “ponzi scheme” to me, but…  There’s that slippery slope I was talking about, rushing up to smack you in the face! LOL!)

So much for anonymity, eh? I realize that taking this path will subject you to scorn, ridicule, and even a few restraining orders, but, hell, that’s just the way it is. If it ain’t stickin out there, it can’t be cut off…

One of the  most important hurdles is getting your rubes… um… er… marks… um… er… audience to identify with you, and participate enough to allow you to start plotting a course that runs parallel to their own hopes, dreams, ambitions, likes, dislikes, fetishes, and the like… or else your course is going to resemble the last voyage of the Titanic, pretty quickly.

And those of you who attended “charm school” have a leg up on the rest of us. Because you’ve already learned that “communication is the most important thing.”  For the rest of us, who think that “No Man is an island unto himself,” I say this;

(Get the %#$@!! off my beach, before I fill your sorry butts full of buckshot! You trespassing bastards!)

Where was I? Oh yeah…

It’s important to be a “listener.” Now I know that this is taking a pretty uncomfortable position…

(It’s kinda like puberty in the back seat of a Volkswagen bug, with a 6’ girl… but…)

Other people are important, too! Now, I know the realization of this is horrifying, but, sadly, it’s true. If you want your blog to be popular, you have to let other people have a say.

(That way, you can pick out your targets, and use the “smarty-pants” attack! Remember, that just like a hand-gun, a well placed comment, aimed right between the eyes, can do a lot of… um… er… never mind.)

Just be nice. Sheesh, I know, it’s probably gonna leave a mark, and ruin your reputation, but…

And pay attention to what’s being shouted at you… um… er… discussed. If you pay attention to someone besides yourself (for a change) you’ll start figuring out what your audience wants to hear.

Oy Vay! So how do you learn about your reader base? I mean, really, all those eyeballs staring at your hard-earned prose are hidden behind monitors, tucked safely out in the ozone, like a big, faceless hydra, holding a “scale of popularity.” It’s not like you can look back at them, all snuggly in their Scooby-doo pajamas, drinking cola and drooling at each passing URL like it’s ambrosia, while you scour their faces, in the light of those glaring monitors,  for a spark of emotional response! Or can you? Hmmmmm…

Maybe you’re asking the wrong questions, to the wrong people? Hmmmmm, again…

Next time, we’ll look at the questions people ask, and then we’ll explore the questions people answer.

Okay, so your wife posted your bail, and you’re back home, after spending the twilight cooling your heels in the clink.

“Why for they put the bracelets on ya, and haul yer butt downtown??”

Maybe it was because you were caught standing in your front yard in your underwear, smelling like a brewery exploded all over you, gazing up into the heavens through a empty toilet paper roll. Face it, you make the neighbors nervous!

Who cares if last night was a full moon, to beat all “full moons!”

Listen bucko, you could have saved yourself a lot of trouble (and 10% of a $5,000 bail bond) if you’d read this first!

Every card-carrying nerdy boy (and girl, nerd girls are sexy, too!) knows that the Moon is never full.

“Full Moon, “Santa Claus,” the “Easter Bunny,” and “a Prom Date with a Playboy Bunny…” They’re all a load a crap fed to us by the government, to keep us docile and stupid.

That’s right, that moon you were looking up at is the same old moon that ’s been shadowing you all your pathetic and futile life.

What? Let’s back up a moment. Astrologers… um… er… wait a minute while I fact-check…

Astronomers say that the actual moment of Full Moon (that time when Luna is directly opposite to Sol in the night sky) can be found in any old almanac.

Hey, if you’re feeling really lazy, you can even look it up on the Internet. This happens all the time (not the “lazy lookin up” part… wait, yes it does!), so don’t worry if your beer-drinking gets in the way of your star-gazing, every now and again.

Remember, a full moon occurs each time the Moon has swung around on its roughly 29-day orbit.

(For some reason I keep picturing my wife in my head, right about now. Hmmm…)

But, if you have an IQ above about 30, you have to admit that the Moon is officially “full” for only one minute. A minute before it’s full, it’s called a “waxing gibbous.”

Now, I thought a “waxing gibbous” was a chimp at a beauty spa, but noooo, it’s a high-tech, cosmo term for “not yet, you impatient jerk!”

Now, a minute after the full moon, it’s a “whining…er… um… waning gibbous.”

This is where your waxing gibbous starts complaining about everything under the sun, literally. Gawd, I hate monkeys!

But, it gets even trickier. Now you better sit down, because this next part is probably gonna bend a few of your brain cells. The mechanics of the celestial alignment –  (it isn’t a New Age rock band) the Sun, Earth,  and the Moon get all cued up, in a straight line, and this further complicate “the blessed event,” i.e. the full moon.

Remember what your science teacher harped about in grade school, while you were trying to sleep? The  Moon can appear 100 percent sunlit from Earth only if it is diametrically opposite to the Sun in the sky.

I have this same “diametrically opposed” problem with my wife all the time, and it usually ends up with a “full moon,” too, with some flying kitchenware thrown in, literally…

But at that same moment,  the Moon would be positioned in the middle of Earths’ shadow — (Kinda like your overprotective mom) basking in total eclipse.  Well, duh! So in any month when there is no eclipse, there is an ever-so-slight sliver of darkness somewhere on the lunar limb throughout those hours — or that moment — when the Moon is passing through “full” phase.

Jeezo! Try saying all that in one breath! I don’t make this stuff up, campers. I got it out of a book! Okay, it was really a magazine, but you get the idea. It’s all official, like. Hello! Does anybody care? I know. I’m boring you. Well suck it up, science is boring! But, if you pay attention, you might do well at “Jeopardy,” some day!

So why isn’t there an eclipse every month?

We don’t get  a lunar eclipse every month because the plane of the Moon’s orbit is inclined 5 percent with respect to the plane of Earth’s orbit around the Sun. The kneebone’s connected to the shinbone… Only once every few months does a Full Moon occur, because the orbits have to be lined up just right to create an eclipse. Well, duh, again!

People often refer to the Moon as being full a day or two before or after the actual date of fullness.

These people are usually Pagans overeager to dance nekkid in the moonlight out in the woods, but whatever…  Yet, a closer inspection (of the MOON, not the naked Pagans, you sicko!) will usually reveal that the Moon is not completely fully lit up on these prior or subsequent days, but is indeed gibbous or slightly out of roundness. Those damned monkeys, anyways…

So, inquiring Pagans want to know… just how long is the interval during which the full Moon seems to appear perfectly round? And when can this effect first be noted with binoculars or the unaided eye?

‘Cuz if there’s naked Pagans, I’m getting out my binoculars! I don’t want to miss nothing!

In the course of sixty ticks of Big Ben, the Moon looks like it moves eastward against the background stars at roughly its own diameter (about one half a degree, give or take). Because of this, the lunar phase angle (the angle of illumination that the Moon makes in its dance with the Sun) changes, but this happens very slowly. If you were standing on the Moon, you could outrun it with a bicycle pretty easily, as this happens at about 10 miles per hour.

Hell, because of the change in gravity, you could probably just out-bounce it, and leave it in the dust…

Anyway, what once was a full moon (for about a New York minute) turns into a slightly lopsided crater canvas, if you watch closely.

You Mr. Science graduates can prove this to your friends and neighbors pretty easily.  When the full moon occurs, turn your binoculars away from the Pagans, and look closely at the edge of the big, shiny disk. 

I know you’re afraid you’re gonna miss something, but have you ever noticed that the nekkid pagans you see, are always the ones you wish would put their clothes back on?

Now, remembering what you last saw (the REAL moon, not the pagans!), go back in the house, watch about 12 re-runs of your favorite brain-killing sit-com, and then go back outside. You’ll welcome the exercise, because you can only take so much of John Ritter on “Three’s Company,” before you wanna get up and leave the room!

By then, anyone looking carefully enough with binoculars should be able to detect that the Pagans have all gotten tired and returned home to chant their mantras, or something… Wait, that’s not it…

When you look again, what you’ll actually see is a slight sliver of darkness (astronomers call this “the terminator”) along the western, or right edge of the Moon.

So, It’s Swartzenegger’s fault! Damn that Arnold, I knew he was gonna be trouble…

(Whilst out strolling the Internet looking for blog fodder, I came across this really interesting article in my email, about one of our relatives. Now, the article was informative, but frankly, it was dry as dirt, so I decided to liven it up a bit, so that it would catch the interest of the masses. After all, we’re talking about “masses” here. And I’m not talking about the Pope, neither! So, if you don’t like what you read, blame the other guy, whatever his name was. I think his name is “Rob Roy Brit.” Now, that sounds like a made up name to me, but you can never tell. Anyway, I’ve butchered his piece for all to see, but the real science belongs to him. I’m just the designated “fall guy.”)

Tonight is the night of “The Big-Assed Moon!”

Or is it? I’ve been on Jenny Craig, so my butt isn’t nearly as big as it used to be.

(Actually, truth be told, all I can say is that Jenny Craig has just been yelling at me to get off HER ass… Trust me, I have no aspirations to be Valerie Damned “Bert-n-what’s her name.” So, pass me that steak and cheese hoagie, and keep readin…)

Where was I? Oh yeah… As the full moon rises this Wednesday evening, June 18, many people will be tricked into thinking it’s unusually large.

Funny, people think the same thing about me. It must be that rumor I started on the Internet, but it IS grounded in “truth.” It’s all in what you actually compare yourself to!

But back to the cosmos thing… The “big-assed moon illusion” is just another David Copperfield trick of the eye. I thought for a while that Cris Angel (the MINDFREAK bastard) was responsible, but he’s pretty media savvy, so if he’d done it, it would have included his Aerosmithesque “A” logo. 

What’s really going on is that our minds make the moon seem bigger when it’s near the Earth’s horizon. And, obviously, this effect would be most visible (in it’s treachery!) at “full moon.” Many people (mostly yokels out looking for UFO’s) swear it’s the real deal, which suggests that they probably shouldn’t embibe quite so heavily before heading out to the desert in search of E.T.  Astronomers suggest that perhaps Earth’s atmosphere magnifies the moon.

Atmosphere? Is there any atmosphere left? I thought Al Gore ate it all, and blamed it on “global warming!” You’d think they’d ask someone qualified, like an Optician, for a theory, instead of beady-eyed nerds who sleep under a telescope, but nooooooo! But it’s what we have to work with, so just bear with me.

Supposedly, this phenomonon is all in our minds. The moon is not really bigger at the horizon than when overhead. The moon never changes sizes. It stays the same. Duh! It’s not like it’s a balloon, or something. Any third grader knows that!

Anyway, as “solstice moon” approaches  (that “Rob Roy” character says that it’s two days before summer in the Northern Hemisphere) this trick of the eye will be easy to spot, if you stop looking in your refrigerator, and go outside for a minute!  Well, I don’t remember him talking about refrigerators, but whatever… NASA says we should blame it on lunar mechanics: The sun and full moon are little like kids on a see-saw; when one is high, the other is low (until one jumps off, and breaks the other one’s um… er… never mind!). This week we’re gonna get a low, horizon-hugging moon and a strong, long-lasting version of the illusion.

Sounds like an ad for deoderant, but people with alphabet soup after their name claim it’s true. Don’t blame me!

Now, people who are paid to know say that space station astronauts report the same effect. I think it’s called “space sickness,” and after they start showing signs of it, they get to drink alcohol until they start feeling “better.” I saw a special on it on cable last week, on the “You R An Idiot” channel, right after that Dr. Phil special on inbreeding…

But, nothing cures a “space delusion” like a good Martian Martini!

BTW -  A “lunar mechanic” is NOT some poor, overtrained, underpaid, bastard suffering the isolation of space, while trying to dial in a defective telescope built by the lowest Earth bidder. Nor is it a plunger  wielding space monkey trying desperately to repair a “cosmic crapper.”

Here’s how it works: (the optical illusion, not the crapper…) The untrained mind believes things on the horizon are farther away than things overhead, because you are used to seeing clouds just a few miles above, even if the clouds on the horizon are hundreds of miles away. So if we think something (like good old Luna) is farther away, and it’s not, then it seems larger.

Make sense? I know, I’m confused too…

And, if you feel like showing off, you can go outside (you know, that place where there is no TV, and nary a refrigerator in sight) and do yourself a little Mr. Science experiment. Go out at moonrise with a small object (resist the urge to do something dramatic and anatomically impossible). Use something handy, like a tic tac. Now, hold it at arm’s length (it doesn’t matter if you’re a “little person,” it still works just the same) as the moon rises and compare the sizes of the moon and the tic tac. Do not eat the tic tac to hide your beer breath from your wife, or you’ll have to start over! Now, go back in the house, drink a beer or two, and then repeat the experiment when the moon is high in the sky.

Drink slowly, because this should take an hour or two. You can use a rolled up piece of paper, too, but if the neighbors see you and start laughing, don’t come crying to me. I’m not the one standing in my skivvies, staring up at the sky, while smelling like a brewery.

Just like real estate prices, moonrise times vary by location.  But, on Wednesday, I guarantee it will come up. It’s on you to figure out what time that’s gonna happen, because I ain’t exactly the Farmer’s Almanac, ya know? Show some initiative! Jeez, do I have to do everything?

And while you’re outside, scaring the neighbors and trying to hide in the bushes from the cops, consider this; There’s no such thing as a full moon!

I know! It surprised me too! But it’s true. It’s another damned myth. And, I think maybe Cris Angel WAS responsible for this one!

Stay tuned!

 And if you see the illusion, there’s one other thing you’ve proven! You are in possession of an untrained mind. Your momma would be so proud!

“Is the gentleman a dying breed?”

I was reading the London Times the other day (as a part of my “get out and see how the other half lives” tour), and had to laugh…

In the article I was reading, William Drew quotes, of all people, the brand director at Alfred Dunhill, Yann Debelle de Montby. This guy‘s claim to fame is that he‘s the Tony men‘s outfitter…

“Being a true gentleman,” he says, “means being gallant and generous. One can be gentle but remain firm, determined and retain a great sense of humor.”

But the question posed is whether or not “the gentleman” has a place in today’s dog-eat-dog business world?

And evidentally, Drew thinks the “James Bond in full possession of charm, good-looks and civility” persona has got the definite edge.

“Old-fashioned good manners — holding open doors, standing up when someone enters the room, asking questions of others rather than talking about yourself, ensuring that you compliment your host generously and so on — are an entry point for respectful behavior,” he notes.

This sounds exactly like those dry, dull old movies we see on late-night black-and white TV, doesn’t it? I mean, when is the last time you saw someone stand up when a lady entered the room?

Last time I did that, I got a ten-minute dressing down for “patronizing a woman.”

“Haven’t you heard of the Feminist Movement, bucko? Don’t try to neutralize my power by playing up to my femininity! You Bastard!”

The last time I held a door open for a woman, she glared at me like I was Charles Manson at a Girl Scout Camp-out!

And God help you if you start asking “questions of others, rather than talking about yourself…” Nothing arouses suspicion more than a “Nosy Parker” sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong. A guy who asks about you, is usually trying to hide his own agenda…

But hey, the “compliment generously” will make some points, huh? Nothing says “kiss-ass, brown-noser, and office pervert” quite like a healthy heaping of;

“Gawd, Miss Becky, you sure look purty in that red dress, today!”

I can hear the wheels of litigation burning out right now, preparing that “sexual harassment” lawsuit!

And now, he goes on to say “But it’s more about your overall manner towards others: how one conducts oneself not only socially, but also in business, in relationships and in public.”

Drew wants us to live like that, twenty-four-seven!

Oy Vay Maria! Everybody knows the first time you try to change lanes on the freeway, try to get a waitress’s attention so that she’ll stop flirting with the guy in the next booth and finally take your order, or try to find a place to park within an “hiking expeditions” distance to the mall, that crap is out the window!

But being a modern-day gentlemen in business is about more than just being nice for nice’s sake, especially when the chips are down (after all, who knows more about the chips being down, than the English, eh? Have you watched their economic landslide, lately?). This says luxury goods retailer, Trevor Pickett:

“When your back’s against the wall in any industry you fall back on the relationships that you have built with people. You can’t do that if you’ve just screwed them on price, for example. That’s just not the way we do things.”

Well, I don’t know about what they do in England, but here in the Colonies, we’ll stab you in the eye, just to get your attention! After all, big business is war (and war is big business!), and we Americans know how to fight! I guess that the limeys are still trying to get us to forget all about the Revolutionary War, where we handed them their asses, and told them to get outta Dodge, before we tarred and feathered every last one of them!

I’m thinking this is just another plot to “disengender” us, so that a few bastards can get a contract or two, and save the Queen’s Economy, before the Chinese buy Trafalgar Square.

And in the end, Drew offered up 10 tips for the aspiring modern-day gentlemen and gentlewoman):

“Some things don’t change: say please and thank you and ask questions about other people rather than talk about yourself.” American translation;

“I don’t care what time it is! Don’t you know who I am? Huh?”

The modern gentleman cares about the planet. Be environmentally aware (but not obnoxious about it). American translation;

“It’s Styrofoam, for heavens sake! I don’t care if it’s gonna be in a landfill for a million years! I ain’t gonna be around here to see it!”

Open doors for people and stand up when they enter a room, but do this for men as well as women. The modern gentleman doesn’t treat women like porcelain. American translation;

“Sure, let me tell you a story about the last woman I put on a pedestal, by holding open a door…”

Be modest. Bragging is distinctly ungentlemanly.

HUH? A Brit telling us not to b-b-b-boast, after centuries of suffering the hoidy-toidy rants of pretentious and pompous English braggarts? The one thing history 101 taught me is that bragging is a right of passage!

“I own you, and all your stuff! I got mine, and you didn’t! Ha-ha!”

Be a good father. Nothing is less charming than a man who leaves childcare to women.

And, you miss out on all those wonderful smelly diapers, late-night feedings, and baby-barf all over your best clothes!!

Be honest about wherever you have come from in life. Pretension is spineless.

Uh-huh! Nothing says success more than endless rants about how you “rose up out of the ghetto, to become a success…”

Flirt — with everyone. Good flirting is a form of politeness. Pay compliments and put your companion at ease.

“Boy, Miss Becky, that sweater is really becoming! It really shows off your… um… er… complexion!”

Do not phone/text/check your BlackBerry incessantly.

What? How do you think I got this BlackBerry, anyway? These things don’t grow on trees! Besides, I want to rub in your face how very popular I am!

And last, but certainly not least: Dress tidily. Whatever style you are going for, scruffiness just isn’t in.

Have you lost your minds? The only person that’s gonna impress is that decaying old fossil I work for! Have you turned on your cable TV, lately? Scruffy is in. Chics dig “scruffy!” “Scruffy” accompanied by three days growth of beard is the buzzword of sexual prowess in the New Millenium!

What have we learned campers? I, for one, shall be doing my absolute best to flirt with everyone as much as possible. Especially English girls, because it looks like I’m (a) not gonna have much competition, and (b) I’m gonna have a wide open playing field! Plus, I’m not sure that all the “sexual harassment” lawsuits will be able to follow me back to the US, after I’ve had my fill of “Crumpets, Strumpets, and Jam…” After all, what happens in England, stays in England, right? (wink-wink!)

So remember, “Please and Thank You” is nice, but nothing gets a person’s attention like a swift smack on the back of the head! (And if you’re dressed all shabby and scruffy when you do it, you get extra points!)

Hubba hubba, and good hunting!

You can’t pick up a paper, or pop onto the ‘Net for a minute without getting barraged by all the doom and gloom that Identity Theft has brought to our lives. So, with nothing to do but wait for my son’s next bottle to pop out of the Microwave, I started thinking about the problem of identity theft and I came to the grim realization that our government (gasp! I used the “G” word!) should be doing more about this crap. Now, I know this sounds strange coming from me, because most of you know that I’m a fierce proponent of giving the government the finger whenever they attempt to “save us” by injecting their continued insanity and illogic into our daily lives.

But… as a victim of Identity Theft myself (and after five years it still rears it’s ugly head from time to time…) I almost flinch every time I hear that “LIFELOCK” commercial on TV. You know the one, where the guy who runs it plasters his Social Security Number on a mobile billboard and all but dares you to take a stab at screwing up his life forever…

He’s become famous, because identity theft has become an economy unto itself. If all businesses survive on “supply and demand, it looks like Identity Theft is gonna be the next issuer of an IPO.  It sure has “demand,” as the thieves and miscreants use the stolen information for their own financial gain,  and the “supply,” is obviously all the stolen IDs.  In fact, if you venture out on the Internet, you’ll be exposed to all kinds of opportunities to do in your fellow man, via a whole sales process of selling phishing kits, IDs, skimmers, etc. 

And they’re gonna be around for a while, folks. Think of all the places that keep track of your personal information… Your life has become a digital minefield. A close look will reveal that your “identity safety net” has about a thousand holes in it, that any competent bad guy can get thru, to pillage your persona.

Records can easily be found at your banks, your employers, your cell phone providers, your local cable company, your apartment complex, the government, your doctor’s office, and the list goes on and on.

And that’s not the end of it. Think of all the places you visit on a daily basis, places where you scan your information to be stored, like the ATM, or the corner grocery store, for instance.  All of these data warehouses are potential places where your data could be stolen from.  The attacks are well known these days, phishing, web application compromise, skimming, etc. It’s not safe to leave the house anymore! I’m starting to miss the days of bartering chickens and goats for gasoline! LOL!

So, having to choke on that heartburn enchilada, I had to laugh when I read today that the guy who runs LIFELOCK got spanked. It seems that Todd Davis got HIS identity stolen. It’s not like he was asking for it. He didn’t plaster his vital information all over the internet, the media, and print ads, for anyone to see… Oh wait, yes he did…

I’m still laughing (I’m laughing with you, Todd, not at you…) when I think about it. I’m not alone in the world, Todd Davis (CEO of LIFELOCK) has joined the club with me, and has had his identity stolen. I feel for the poor guy, after all, he bet his business reputation and his public life on the fact that his company could protect ANYONE from all forms of identity theft, but the harsh reality is it didn’t.

And, it’s not like he’s denying it;

“There’s nothing to indicate my identity has been successfully compromised other than the one instance.”

Okay, other than the one instance, that is, but it was just that once. Uh-huh.

Part of the problem here is that people don’t realize just how big a jungle it is out there, and how many different animals intent on eating your identity are actually looming in the darkness.

Oh sure, LIFELOCK pledges that they’ll pony up a cool million dollars in your defense, but the problem is with the $1,000,000 protection they offer up, which unfortunately has absolutely nothing to do with the kind of thing that Todd got stung by. It doesn’t have anything to do with the most prevalent type of ID theft used lately, technology breakdowns in the system – which is a far less likely occurrence, that LIFELOCK can’t possibly protect you from.

LIFELOCK screams it from the rooftops, loud and proud;

“Our service guarantee is simple, but it is limited. We will pay up to $1,000,000 to cure the failure or defect in our service…”

I’m not sure that’s gonna help ME much, if I get phished… And it’s not just that… their site is pretty deceptive. They lead you to believe that they’re Serpico looking for felons in the alleys, protecting you while you sleep.

What this actually means is that if LIFELOCK doesn’t stop the intrusion, they fix it at their expense up to $1,000,000.

Sooo, campers… it appears that what LIFELOCK doesn’t stop, you are flapping from the handlebars to wrestle with, all by your onesies… And that’s the part that sucks. I actually signed up with Todd, and all I’ve gotten so far is letters from the Credit Bureaus telling me that they can’t provide me with copies of my credit report, for “security reasons.” I reported this to LIFELOCK and asked them to terminate my membership, but that hasn’t stopped them from continuing to hit my credit card for the monthly fees, anyway. I’m still wondering when they’re gonna get that sorted out.

And, the saddest part is that I was pulling for the guy. Todd had me thinking that the day had gotten brighter, and there was a new dawn approaching, one where I was able to sleep nights, safe in the knowledge that Todd and his Cyber Ninjas were fighting the good fight, watching my back while I slept.

It’s really too bad, because I wished this company was exactly what it claimed to be, and not just another money-making venture that preys on the “mongering of fear.” There are literally millions of people who could actually benefit tremendously from it.

I guess Todd will have to rethink his marketing a bit, huh?